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Question#1: Is there a way I can feel less out of place around here without competely losing myself? If I’m myself, I’m a weirdo. If I suppress who I am, then I’m suppressing who I am.

Question#2: Is there something a person like me can be successful at without trying to be something I’m not?

So, what happened? Let’s see.

 I had my interview today. I assume it went well. He took my background check paper with him. He didn’t throw it at me and lecture me on being socially inept. What he did do was the famous “So, tell me about yourself.” So there it is. The one thing I’m absolutely terrified of. What to say? I always take this question way too seriously. This is where I start cross-examining every little thing I’ve ever done in my life. Every fault. Everything but strengths because it takes a very good day or a very supportive friend for me to see those. Where I sort’ve start questioning why anyone would want to hire me for anything. Where my mind is telling me to say, giggling, “Hi, I’m Tabi. You don’t see it now, but you’re going to love me. I swear.” My mind is an asshole. What is there to say but (blank stare)? So that was my answer.

• “What are your stengths?” I’m really good at making things pretty.
• “How are you at selling P3?” Honestly, I suck at it. (He liked that. People tend to find my honesty amusing.)
• “Anything else?” I’m going to be in school for  nutrition ( I left out the “I think” that would have exposed my indecisiveness and ruined things for me) soon.

End of the grilling. I found the one thing that stopped him from glaring at me with that “You are so not cut out for this.” look. Because, hey, I am so cut out for this. Just not the way he is. Not so much selling things to people, but helping people find what they need. helping people feel better/look better/run faster/stop being a slave to the pharmaceutical industry. That’s what I’m here for. They’re going to have to help me out a little with selling junk. Unfortunately, that means role play.

 And of course, on the way home, I think of all the wonderful things about myself that I could have mentioned. Of course.

I really wish I was doing something that looked more like personal improvement to me. All of this is preparation. So I can start school. So I can even start the process of starting school.  So I can afford to live. So I can move somewhere my cats can go. Do you know how terrifying the thought of getting rid of my baby is? You have no idea. I already feel like a horrible person because I don’t see him all week. I can’t imagine never seeing him again. It’s seriously the near equivalent of leaving Seth somewhere every week and only seeing him the weekends.  Does that make me a crazy cat lady? Maybe.

Thanks for letting me stalk you. I feel like a kid being rationed halloween candy. ; )

   I can’t be certain, but I think I’m done with the whole thing I’ve been doing lately. The going out all weekend crap. It’s making daytime life suck. I didn’t go out this weekend, and I feel great. Also, I need to quit smoking again. At least for a little while. =) Drinking can continue but at my house and at shows. And it should be wine and pretty beer (just for the hell of it). I don’t go to shows anymore and that’s scary. I’m losing myself, pretending it’s OK because nothing matters anymore. Like I’m just settling into crap. As if it’s going to stay that way. As if it won’t go up from here.

It will.

Happy Independence Day!

1) I love love love today. Patriotic music and barbecue smells everywhere! It’s a hot day, so I’m sitting inside cleaning and taking breaks with the intrawebs. I have no real plans for today except to go out to see Elvin Killerbee tonight. I know Seth and I will go and get fireworks, but I don’t know where we’ll play with them. There are a few options that mostly depend on other people. I know I want a margarita. Yes!

2) I really hope I won’t be going out tonight alone. It sounds like that may be the case. Hm. Well, even if I do go out alone, I’ll be out and not really alone anyway. I doubt it. She’ll go. We’ll have fun. Tomorrow we’ll regret having so much fun, but it will probably be funny.

3) I found out some stupid shit about a supposed friend and her real intentions regarding her ’surprise visit’ Sunday. I’ve been ignoring her (millions of) calls and I got a new number anyway, so I may not have to speak to her again. If I wanted friends like her, I’d go back to high school. No thanks! I hope she decides to stay where the hell she is from now on.

4) I need a new job. Life sucks when you’re broke.