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Seth had to stay home from school again today because of coughing all night long. I took him to the doctor and this time, the doctor put him on allergy medicine. She says he’s probably allergic to our cats, since there’s not really any other things he could be allergic to in the house. She didn’t want to do an allergy test on him since he’s so young. I have no idea what an allergy test consists of that’s so terrible. That would suck so bad if he is allergic, but at least there is medicine for it. I’d die if I had to get rid of my cats. The way the doctor looked at me, you’d think it was a crime that my cats are *gasp* inside.

I talked to Jamie today and I think we have our Christmas Day plans halfway together. I have to go to grammas, it’s just a part of Christmas. I won’t be there for long because of my uncle’s bullshit. I don’t want to be surrounded by that for Christmas. Not to mention my other uncle, who lives in CA will be there, and he’s usually just a dick to everyone and makes people uncomfortable. Gary’s probably not going to go at all. He’s just going to go straight to his mom’s house. After visiting with my grandma, Jamie and I (at the very least; Haley may go. That’s a story for another day) will leave for Gary’s mom’s house. We’re hoping to have a bonfire there with some celebration, us-style.

I wish there was something like church for non-religious people. It doesn’t seem possible. The only thing non-religious people seem to agree on is that they’re non-religious. I want that sense of community so badly, it’s tempting to become a member of a church. The only problem with that would I’d either have to lie to the group of people I plan to become a part of, or be an outcast because I’m not truly a part of it. I also want a bigger family for this reason. I want my children to have a good support system amongst each other. I have no brothers or sisters to speak of, and that can be terribly lonely. I wasn’t one of those kids that’s showered with affection because I’m an only child, either. I didn’t have anyone to tell my secrets to. The worse part is that I could have, because I actually DO have a sister. I haven’t seen her since my mother took her from my grandmother and gave her up for adoption when she was 8 months old. She’s 17 now. I’m thinking hard about contacting her.

I can tell that Seth is already starting to feel the way I did. When I see him playing alone I get a little sad because I know how it is. He’s even told me he wants a brother, “So I can always have a friend.” That hurts my heart, because I want that for him, too, and I can’t give it to him. Well, I can, but I’d have to give up another important part of my life to have it.

I don’t have a lot of family to spend time with and invest my energy into. A lot of my family is hopeless, and my only interest in them is how the hell their children will survive their crappy childhood. I have my grandparents and a couple of cousins. I hardly speak to my mom anymore, and it’s just as well. She always tried to start drama between people, and it gets old. She’s not happy unless she feels superior to someone, specifically my grandmother. It’s hard to communicate with someone that bitter and miserable.

The holiday season is just one of those times when I crave this sense of community even stronger. It’s a miserable feeling, loneliness.